I don't have time to hate...

It’s funny when you’re trying to make any kind of change in your life. Be a healthier person or just a more positive one, there’s always that certain kind of person you try to avoid; The pessimists, negative people who see life through there own colored glasses, limiting their beliefs and showing off their low self-esteem.

These sorts of characters don’t seem to understand that negativity and hate only breeds more in their lives. What you give is what you get. There are the ones who play the arrogance card or try to act over confident. You can try to get them to see a different point of view, most brush you off like you’re the asshole, but I do feel sorry for them and realize I can only help the ones who want to be helped.

Pessimists don’t like, or want to be helped because they think they’re always right. It’s a difference in opinion. They don’t like having to take responsibility for their behavior. So they continue to be negative and pulling down others, and trying to make everyone else feel sorry for them. Their negativity is justified as realistic, and they’ll attract pessimistic people just like them. Then they start talking about everyone behind their backs, and wonder why they’re so miserable.

It’s now that time to cut these people out of my life. I have too many good things going on, and too many good people in my life. I don’t have time to hate the ones who hate me. I’m too busy loving the ones who love me. Don’t try to suck all of my positive feelings and drag me down because you enjoy being stuck in your miserable “perfect” world. Change your attitude and maybe others will change theirs about you.

I'm a mess most days, but I'm living.

He comes to me in my dreams. He gives me signs & hopes of new, better things that will come with time. He keeps me grounded & helps me remember what matters most.

This handsome man above is Dale L. Askey.

He is, a son, brother, boy friend, lover, friend, best friend, the sun & an angel.

A funny story- In the 7th grade we talked for about 5min & instantly clicked. It turned into years of notes, phone calls, IMs & outings. By the end of 7th grade I had my nickname picked out for my new friend- Sunshine. 

He was always there as my ray of light in all my hours dark or bright. He never judged, or said anything was totally out of line. He helped me see the good in every situation. The good in life.

7th grade- he had a nickname for me then too... his angel here on earth. He said I was always protecting him & he felt a strong force when I was near. I cry most days when I think about it, angel? I don't think I'll ever understand.

Pancakes- we talked a lot about pancakes. I loved them, he loved them, whats not to love?

The Lucky Quarter- This quarter was old, with a piece of gum stuck to it & ripped in a piece of paper. It was pretty lucky. Dale, said to hold onto it until I found someone who needed it more. I did one day & hope the luck was passed on & on.

My thumb- Dale always had this gentile touch about him. His hands were soft & just as sweet as his heart. He use to always rub my thumb in this soft manner. I don't think i'll ever find that again.

Ice cream- Dale worked at Andersons...I went & had ice cream a lot just to sneak in a "hey,hey."

Sweet 16- My 16th Birthday was just around the corner. Everyone was asking what I wanted. I didn't want or need anything from anyone. Just a Happy Birthday would do me. Dale was the only one who truly knew what I meant. 

The Birthday Card- I found this card about 2 months ago. I'm not going to lie, I was hoping for a sign. I opened a book & it fell out. "I would've got you this car & got us a vacation & a card filled with money...but I couldn't afford it this year...Happy Birthday. I love you!" 

Love- I loved him with all my heart, I still do. We tried the dating thing, it wasn't for us. He was my sunshine & I was his angel. He had a beautiful girlfriend & adored her so much for a 17 year old.

5.17.5- Happy Birthday Dale! The airbase...drinking & driving, fun & games. It was chilly & rained a bit.

Heartache- 5.20.5... 11:15- Packing clothes for camping with Nick. 11:45- Laying on Nicks bed screaming in agony. My whole body ached, like I was hit by a car. 12:15- The pain stopped. I felt 'normal' again. 4:05- the worst phone call I could've ever imagined. A Friday.

5.21.5- My bed felt like home. My notebook became my ease. I wrote for hours of what I felt. The day started off with rain & moved into this beautiful sunshine. I swear it was a 72 day.

5.24.5- I couldn't drive. I got a ride... I put my ride through hell with the constant "We have to stops...I don't want to go's" After a half dozen times of stopping Wegmans felt right. I paced around that store for 45minutes. I all bought was a single red rose. It felt right, I was finally ready to go.

5.25.5- I tried to let go & say goodbye.

8.15.5- I kept telling myself he was on vacation & would be back soon.

3.16.6- He wasn't calling to wish me a Happy Birthday. He wasn't on vacation. I finally said "I'll see you soon, sunshine."

Signs- I ask for some kind of sign when I'm feeling weak or when I'm not sure what to do & I wish I had my sunshine to talk to. One morning I woke to 3 quarters on the floor. 1998, 2003, 2005. The year we met, the year we said we'd love each other forever & the year forever turned into an eternity.

There is no rhyme or reason for this. I haven't been able to sleep & I've had some pretty wild dreams. He walked into my dreams last night & I woke in a dazed  & confused place. My heart aches, but I know he's in a better place & we'll meet again. 

I try to live my life a better person because of him. He was so kind & perfect. I will never be able to live up to the person he grew to be, but I will try to make him proud of who I become. 

I love meeting new people & love when people remind me of Dale. I don't like being told how to live my life, I don't even know how to live it. I'm doing this one day at time, one lesson at a time. I'm young enough to know my dreams have a lifetime to come true & I'm old enough to know not to settle for anything less than I deserve. 

I hate cocky people, although they make me laugh. I hate people who think they're too good & better than everyone. I'm a mess most days, but I'm living. I say what I feel & act on my emotions. Don't tear down the truth because your jealous or it hurts. Blaze your own path & see where your emotions take you.

Love the life you live.

WellBALANCED GOODlife

The Facts

- December I weighed 128lbs

- Two years ago 97lbs

- Today 112lbs

Since I started working at a local ski resort in December for extra winter cash I've been getting back to my fit old self.

I've started working out 4-5 days per week, for at least 30 minutes. I had a gym membership last year & went 5 days a week, but ate more than I worked out (the reason I got out of shape)

It's funny how having a gym membership can get you out of shape.

I started weighing myself just after Christmas & couldn't believe my eyes. I didn't feel healthy to begin with, but seeing how much weight I actually gained since 2005 was scary. I thought counting calories & sticking to a normal routine would be ideal. Actually not so much...

I used to eat all organic foods & be very healthy, but then I started dating a workout-aholic NM who use to tell me my 90lb body was fat & I was overweight. I started working out excessively & barely eating. What I know now is that I did have an eating disorder. I climbed that battle & it took a few years to get through it, but I did & thats when I let myself go.

I now have a structured eating plan. I gorge myself with fruits & veggies. I've cut soda right out of my diet & have cut back on my sweet tooth intake. Two weeks into the soda & sweet cut I don't miss it & I feel 85% healthier.

I love food too much now to ever go back to my old habits of anorexia, but I refuse to gorge myself with more food than I need. China buffet every other day no more!

I've been reading a lot of books on diet & exercise & starting tomorrow I'm going to follow the POWER 12 guidelines from the Abs Diet for Women. The power 12 are food that are recommended eating daily.

1. Almonds

2. Beans & Legumes

3. Spinach & greens

4. Low fat dairy products

5. Oatmeal

6. Eggs (but the whites an egg yolk is 95 calories & the white is only 15!)

7. Lean meat (turkey, chicken & fish)

8. Peanut butter

9. Whole grain breads & cereals

10. Soy protein powder

11. Olive Oil to cook with instead of butter

12. Berries

My plain is to eat 5-6 meals per day a few hours apart & keep track of my intake. Drink plenty of water & tea & steer clear of caffeine. Continue workout at least 30 minutes a day 4-5 days a week!!!

HERE I COME BIKINI!!!

The V-Day

Valentine's Day, what to make of it but another holiday to buy pointless cards & candy we already don't need. Call me rotten, call me what you will, but the big V-Day isn't so much for me. Don't get me wrong each year I get crafty & make my lovely boy friend a heart felt Valentine...

I just don't look forward to it because for the past 4 years he just seems to "forget" about it. I don't need silly flowers, or chocolate I don't even like, but a little homemade card or poem wouldn't hurt.

Valentine's Day just gives me a reminder that my birthday is a month away & another reminded about how the man I love most in my life (besides my dad) forgets about my birthday year after year...

The first year I clearly understood. We were only together for a couple months anyway. The second year I just shrugged it off as "maybe he just didn't remember." Then that third year of the birthday came & he "forgot" about it again. I'm not too sure if its because he's really not sure about our relationship, or if he just really wants to hurt me to get me to leave him.

I always do great things for his birthdays & its not like mines hard to remember. If you can remember to go out and get drunk on St. Patricks Day, then you already remembered it was my birthday.

Enough of the depressing he forgot another year story...maybe next year will be better & he still has my birthday to get right for the first time in 4 years.

"You're not fat!"

“You’re not fat!” They all always say. Who are ‘they’? Do ‘they’ really matter? I ask myself. In a room full of models I can feel like the biggest person in the room. It’s tough business to get into, and an even tougher business to be apart of.

This is what my mind set used to be towards my newly founded curves...

This is a miserable place in my life. I’m 119lbs. The heaviest I’ve ever been. I can barely stand to see myself in the mirror (some days). I find flaws from head to toe. I feel like I’m letting everyone down.

Yet I hear, “You are not fat!” “Who told you that you're fat?” I think, "should I answer this one?" I could answer this one. I could say my brother would always called me “bubble butt”, but it would be unfair to relate this. I had nicknames for him, and I know I'm better than that.  “Should I just say, I hate my flabby arms, thunder thighs, bubble butt and bulging stomach?”

So I mumble “no-one”


I can see them every time I stand on a scale, which is about five days a week. And my every flaw I see is not my only point of discontent. There is my stomach, pouring over my pants when I sit and my thighs, which scare me the most because I have to wear darker jeans, and stir away from leggings.

Then a doctor visit comes. I stand on the scale as the nurse asks, “Have you been working out a lot lately? You’ve lost a few pounds since last time?”  I shrug in disbelief and carry on asking how all I am. “You’re still 5’6”, but you need to gain weight.”

No matter if the nurse was right or wrong, or if I did really drop weight, I could never except it… I still felt fat, ugly, and out of shape.

Next stop on the agenda, the agency. These visits terrify me because I know I couldn't change my hairstyle, gain weight or dye my hair. I was under a contract that I had to follow. After two years you would think I’d be use to the visits. Practicing runway with the other models. Seeing how my acting skills were coming along, and making sure I was still a size 00.

Guess what? In October of 2008 my 5-year modeling contract was up. I was asked to resign for another five years. I knew how much money they made on me for each shoot I did. I also knew I could do it on my own.


And this is what I've come to...

The following January I cut my low back length hair up to my chin. I told the agency I would renew my contract if I could make more money, they declined my offer. I have since then went from a size 00 to a 0, and from 93lbs to 119lbs. I see myself in a better light. I am comfortable in the skin I’m in. It’s still tough to not feel fat or want to starve myself, but I LOVE food. I workout daily, well at least I try to. I’ve been getting more modeling paid gigs than ever, and most of all I feel healthy.

“You’re not fat!” I truly believe that today. 

11.22.10

Forever is a long time
I'm not going to lie 
We started in the right place at the wrong time
I really need some space this time

Together on the front line look me in the eye
Tell it to me straight
Are we going to work it out pack it in?
Guess this is the chance we decided to take

You're the only one who:
Gets me, Knows me, Feels me, Hurts me
You're the only one who's close enough to drive me crazy
Fustrate me, complicate me, make things harder than they need to be
The things that you do and the things that you say
Make me want to say

Everything is alright
We're going through a phase
We're moving too fast going too slow
Am I just afraid of mistakes


Keep it real now, dont make a sound
I want to see it in your eyes
Will we shake it up, or knock it all down?


Deep inside I know that we'll survive
Through the ups and downs 
I do just want to be with you


Just you- 

Annoyances

There are a lot of annoyances out there & they’re different for all people. This week is still young & every annoyance possible as shined itself to me the past two days. I don’t think it just hit out of the blue, it was building up inside me; subconsciously.

Last week my boy friends mother was bitching about never having enough room in the freezer for new food. So as I look through her freezer I see tons of meats that have expirations of 2008 & 2009. That’s a huge red flag to throw it out! If you didn’t eat it when it was good & you’re still not eating it now let it go. WTF!? I took the liberty of tossing the expired food & the next day as soon as a woke up she was there screaming at me for throwing out her food. I said sorry. Although I’ll admit I’m not sorry I did it & a lot of the food was mine anyway that was freezer burned. She told me to never touch any of her things again & told my boy friend to tell me the same.  If that’s the way you want it, I’m cool with it. Just don’t come over & play my WII & stop eating my fresh food! No bigs, I was over it & then she had to come and apologize. I can still tell she’s pissed at me & can’t even look at me straight.

Next down the line of annoyances, the price of butter. I bought four sticks of butter from the local supermarket for $1.19. I put them in the fridge & the next day my boy friends mother gets butter. Bitching she paid $1.99 for her four sticks she asked me what I paid for mine. I told her & right away “That’s impossible. I’ve only ever got butter for $1.99 & at Tops & Wegmans its 3-4$. First off its butter! Second, do you really think I care that much about it? Third, don’t tell me I couldn’t have purchased my butter for a cheaper price than you, because obviously I did.

Goodwill items. I’ve been in the thinning out kind of mood the past few weeks & have been getting rid of everything I don’t wear anymore, or so I thought. Every time I get a bag good and full for goodwill my boy friends mother digs through & takes my ratty, holy, stained & out of style clothes for her collection. It’s not a big deal if someone offers you their clothing & you don’t really have anything, but she has rooms full of clothes. She can’t get rid of any of them & then has the nerve to take clothes I never wanted to see again! I call that a big issue, pack rat.

Just a few other annoyances:

Chewing loud

Hard toothpaste in the sink

Dirty shower

Garbage not in a real garbage can

Random things displayed just to say you have it

Un-rinsed dishes