I don't have time to hate...

It’s funny when you’re trying to make any kind of change in your life. Be a healthier person or just a more positive one, there’s always that certain kind of person you try to avoid; The pessimists, negative people who see life through there own colored glasses, limiting their beliefs and showing off their low self-esteem.

These sorts of characters don’t seem to understand that negativity and hate only breeds more in their lives. What you give is what you get. There are the ones who play the arrogance card or try to act over confident. You can try to get them to see a different point of view, most brush you off like you’re the asshole, but I do feel sorry for them and realize I can only help the ones who want to be helped.

Pessimists don’t like, or want to be helped because they think they’re always right. It’s a difference in opinion. They don’t like having to take responsibility for their behavior. So they continue to be negative and pulling down others, and trying to make everyone else feel sorry for them. Their negativity is justified as realistic, and they’ll attract pessimistic people just like them. Then they start talking about everyone behind their backs, and wonder why they’re so miserable.

It’s now that time to cut these people out of my life. I have too many good things going on, and too many good people in my life. I don’t have time to hate the ones who hate me. I’m too busy loving the ones who love me. Don’t try to suck all of my positive feelings and drag me down because you enjoy being stuck in your miserable “perfect” world. Change your attitude and maybe others will change theirs about you.

I'm a mess most days, but I'm living.

He comes to me in my dreams. He gives me signs & hopes of new, better things that will come with time. He keeps me grounded & helps me remember what matters most.

This handsome man above is Dale L. Askey.

He is, a son, brother, boy friend, lover, friend, best friend, the sun & an angel.

A funny story- In the 7th grade we talked for about 5min & instantly clicked. It turned into years of notes, phone calls, IMs & outings. By the end of 7th grade I had my nickname picked out for my new friend- Sunshine. 

He was always there as my ray of light in all my hours dark or bright. He never judged, or said anything was totally out of line. He helped me see the good in every situation. The good in life.

7th grade- he had a nickname for me then too... his angel here on earth. He said I was always protecting him & he felt a strong force when I was near. I cry most days when I think about it, angel? I don't think I'll ever understand.

Pancakes- we talked a lot about pancakes. I loved them, he loved them, whats not to love?

The Lucky Quarter- This quarter was old, with a piece of gum stuck to it & ripped in a piece of paper. It was pretty lucky. Dale, said to hold onto it until I found someone who needed it more. I did one day & hope the luck was passed on & on.

My thumb- Dale always had this gentile touch about him. His hands were soft & just as sweet as his heart. He use to always rub my thumb in this soft manner. I don't think i'll ever find that again.

Ice cream- Dale worked at Andersons...I went & had ice cream a lot just to sneak in a "hey,hey."

Sweet 16- My 16th Birthday was just around the corner. Everyone was asking what I wanted. I didn't want or need anything from anyone. Just a Happy Birthday would do me. Dale was the only one who truly knew what I meant. 

The Birthday Card- I found this card about 2 months ago. I'm not going to lie, I was hoping for a sign. I opened a book & it fell out. "I would've got you this car & got us a vacation & a card filled with money...but I couldn't afford it this year...Happy Birthday. I love you!" 

Love- I loved him with all my heart, I still do. We tried the dating thing, it wasn't for us. He was my sunshine & I was his angel. He had a beautiful girlfriend & adored her so much for a 17 year old.

5.17.5- Happy Birthday Dale! The airbase...drinking & driving, fun & games. It was chilly & rained a bit.

Heartache- 5.20.5... 11:15- Packing clothes for camping with Nick. 11:45- Laying on Nicks bed screaming in agony. My whole body ached, like I was hit by a car. 12:15- The pain stopped. I felt 'normal' again. 4:05- the worst phone call I could've ever imagined. A Friday.

5.21.5- My bed felt like home. My notebook became my ease. I wrote for hours of what I felt. The day started off with rain & moved into this beautiful sunshine. I swear it was a 72 day.

5.24.5- I couldn't drive. I got a ride... I put my ride through hell with the constant "We have to stops...I don't want to go's" After a half dozen times of stopping Wegmans felt right. I paced around that store for 45minutes. I all bought was a single red rose. It felt right, I was finally ready to go.

5.25.5- I tried to let go & say goodbye.

8.15.5- I kept telling myself he was on vacation & would be back soon.

3.16.6- He wasn't calling to wish me a Happy Birthday. He wasn't on vacation. I finally said "I'll see you soon, sunshine."

Signs- I ask for some kind of sign when I'm feeling weak or when I'm not sure what to do & I wish I had my sunshine to talk to. One morning I woke to 3 quarters on the floor. 1998, 2003, 2005. The year we met, the year we said we'd love each other forever & the year forever turned into an eternity.

There is no rhyme or reason for this. I haven't been able to sleep & I've had some pretty wild dreams. He walked into my dreams last night & I woke in a dazed  & confused place. My heart aches, but I know he's in a better place & we'll meet again. 

I try to live my life a better person because of him. He was so kind & perfect. I will never be able to live up to the person he grew to be, but I will try to make him proud of who I become. 

I love meeting new people & love when people remind me of Dale. I don't like being told how to live my life, I don't even know how to live it. I'm doing this one day at time, one lesson at a time. I'm young enough to know my dreams have a lifetime to come true & I'm old enough to know not to settle for anything less than I deserve. 

I hate cocky people, although they make me laugh. I hate people who think they're too good & better than everyone. I'm a mess most days, but I'm living. I say what I feel & act on my emotions. Don't tear down the truth because your jealous or it hurts. Blaze your own path & see where your emotions take you.

Love the life you live.