Goals I wrote down & set when I was in 9th grade

- Have a college degree by 24...check
-Live on my own by 19...check
-Move to a warmer climate...
-Follow my passion in modeling...check
-Be engaged by 23...
-Be married by 25...
-Have my first child by 28...
-Write daily...check
-Have a dog...check
-Be happy...check


I get frustrated most days knowing that short term dreams I wrote down aren't filled, but I know it will happen when its ready. I've been ready for 4 years now & I honestly don't think he'll ever be ready. If its not one thing its another, excuse after excuse. I tears me up inside because I feel like i'm wasting my time when I could be out there finding a man who does want to marry me & not keep luring me on. & I'm not trying to say I'd marry anyone, I know he's the one. I've known that from the first moment i met him. I just don't always feel like I'm his one. Like he's just waiting on something better to come around & we probably will never get married & by that time I'll be an older, less attractive & extremely bitter. I'm already starting to get bitter & angry with life. I see all of my friends getting engaged & married & they haven't even been with their partners half as long as we've been together. I use to be such a happy, fun loving, easy person. Now, just thinking about how were not moving forward in our relationship depresses me. I don't feel like doing anything anymore. I've never felt so sad. & he tells me that its not him its me & I'm sad & depressed because I'm not following what I want. Well obviously dumb ass! I do all the things i want to for myself to make me happy, but the other things I want are out of my control & makes me unhappy. & he just doesn't want to take credit for his lack of communication & love. So i bite my tongue again.

I just want to scream!
Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

John Steinbeck quotes can be inspiring

John Steinbeck wrote, “Change comes like a little wind that ruffles the curtains at dawn, & it comes like a stealthy perfume of wildflowers hidden in the grass.”

Your silence speaks louder than your hurtful words.

Your actions show your true feelings; sucker of beauty.

Who knows where these roads will take us, we’ve been twisting & winding for so long.

Can we straighten up & find an even pace?

Change, it happens the minute I turn away.

Change, change, change is a revolution everyday.

Let this darkness disappear in the wind.

Stranded on this path waiting for you.

Cinderella in her party dress,

Waiting on her prince with,

Something barrowed,

Something blue

Oh, where are you?

A wick, no wax

Unattended flame burning destruction

Lets not let this flame go out

I don’t want you to be my hero,

Just my prince in shinning armor

I cant be your heroine,

Don’t drowned in your lonely frustrations

Should-a

Could-a

Might-a

It’s you,

When all my dreams come true

It’s you,

I want next to me

My heart has reason that reason doesn’t know

Love, love, love

Your love is all I need

What happens next?

Theres always the dumb questions about what do you do when you feel like the person you love doesn't love you back, or when their ex lovers are constantly sending you messages about how they still talk & how you don't have a chance? Well,


Insecurity is defined as: the feeling of not being "good enough" to meet the challenge of a situation you face in life. A sense of helplessness in the face of problems, conflict and concerns.


Me, I've always been a little insecure. I have a high, soft voice that tends to steer people away. I'm not very tall or pretty. I enjoy learning, but still get called dumb on a daily basis. I can't get a job in the field I studied to save my life & everyone around me is always tearing me down. All my flaws go noticed as everything else unnoticed. I haven't felt like writing because i've been so depressed lately.


Today feels good to write. The sun is out & its not too cold. 


I received a nasty message from my boyfriends ex & never responded to it & today I received another one. Apparently they talk, a lot. It tears me up inside because my boyfriend of awhile now never wants to talk to me, hes always telling to to be quite or go away. He doesn't like to kiss me & when I stare at him he looks past me. If I try to hold him i get pushed off, or not held back. When I want to talk about it, he ignores it & I'm the crazy, uptight one.


I ache inside most days. It's not normal & I shouldn't be in this poor situation of someone who I'll never be "good enough" for, but I love him. Most people probably wouldn't see why if they knew the truth of how I feel every day I wake. I have the worst insomnia, because my thoughts keep me up & I dread sleeping & having nightmares.


I just want it all to be over, all of this pain to go away. Depression didn't start with my boyfriends hurtful words, or the things he doesn't do, but with the fact that I cant get a job, that I don't have any money, a car or a place to call home.


Home is when you feel comfortable & happy. Where the people around you make you feel good inside & out. When love blooms everywhere. Where is my home & when will I find it?


Nothing more,


Just breathe, let it all out & let go...

I don't have time to hate...

It’s funny when you’re trying to make any kind of change in your life. Be a healthier person or just a more positive one, there’s always that certain kind of person you try to avoid; The pessimists, negative people who see life through there own colored glasses, limiting their beliefs and showing off their low self-esteem.

These sorts of characters don’t seem to understand that negativity and hate only breeds more in their lives. What you give is what you get. There are the ones who play the arrogance card or try to act over confident. You can try to get them to see a different point of view, most brush you off like you’re the asshole, but I do feel sorry for them and realize I can only help the ones who want to be helped.

Pessimists don’t like, or want to be helped because they think they’re always right. It’s a difference in opinion. They don’t like having to take responsibility for their behavior. So they continue to be negative and pulling down others, and trying to make everyone else feel sorry for them. Their negativity is justified as realistic, and they’ll attract pessimistic people just like them. Then they start talking about everyone behind their backs, and wonder why they’re so miserable.

It’s now that time to cut these people out of my life. I have too many good things going on, and too many good people in my life. I don’t have time to hate the ones who hate me. I’m too busy loving the ones who love me. Don’t try to suck all of my positive feelings and drag me down because you enjoy being stuck in your miserable “perfect” world. Change your attitude and maybe others will change theirs about you.

I'm a mess most days, but I'm living.

He comes to me in my dreams. He gives me signs & hopes of new, better things that will come with time. He keeps me grounded & helps me remember what matters most.

This handsome man above is Dale L. Askey.

He is, a son, brother, boy friend, lover, friend, best friend, the sun & an angel.

A funny story- In the 7th grade we talked for about 5min & instantly clicked. It turned into years of notes, phone calls, IMs & outings. By the end of 7th grade I had my nickname picked out for my new friend- Sunshine. 

He was always there as my ray of light in all my hours dark or bright. He never judged, or said anything was totally out of line. He helped me see the good in every situation. The good in life.

7th grade- he had a nickname for me then too... his angel here on earth. He said I was always protecting him & he felt a strong force when I was near. I cry most days when I think about it, angel? I don't think I'll ever understand.

Pancakes- we talked a lot about pancakes. I loved them, he loved them, whats not to love?

The Lucky Quarter- This quarter was old, with a piece of gum stuck to it & ripped in a piece of paper. It was pretty lucky. Dale, said to hold onto it until I found someone who needed it more. I did one day & hope the luck was passed on & on.

My thumb- Dale always had this gentile touch about him. His hands were soft & just as sweet as his heart. He use to always rub my thumb in this soft manner. I don't think i'll ever find that again.

Ice cream- Dale worked at Andersons...I went & had ice cream a lot just to sneak in a "hey,hey."

Sweet 16- My 16th Birthday was just around the corner. Everyone was asking what I wanted. I didn't want or need anything from anyone. Just a Happy Birthday would do me. Dale was the only one who truly knew what I meant. 

The Birthday Card- I found this card about 2 months ago. I'm not going to lie, I was hoping for a sign. I opened a book & it fell out. "I would've got you this car & got us a vacation & a card filled with money...but I couldn't afford it this year...Happy Birthday. I love you!" 

Love- I loved him with all my heart, I still do. We tried the dating thing, it wasn't for us. He was my sunshine & I was his angel. He had a beautiful girlfriend & adored her so much for a 17 year old.

5.17.5- Happy Birthday Dale! The airbase...drinking & driving, fun & games. It was chilly & rained a bit.

Heartache- 5.20.5... 11:15- Packing clothes for camping with Nick. 11:45- Laying on Nicks bed screaming in agony. My whole body ached, like I was hit by a car. 12:15- The pain stopped. I felt 'normal' again. 4:05- the worst phone call I could've ever imagined. A Friday.

5.21.5- My bed felt like home. My notebook became my ease. I wrote for hours of what I felt. The day started off with rain & moved into this beautiful sunshine. I swear it was a 72 day.

5.24.5- I couldn't drive. I got a ride... I put my ride through hell with the constant "We have to stops...I don't want to go's" After a half dozen times of stopping Wegmans felt right. I paced around that store for 45minutes. I all bought was a single red rose. It felt right, I was finally ready to go.

5.25.5- I tried to let go & say goodbye.

8.15.5- I kept telling myself he was on vacation & would be back soon.

3.16.6- He wasn't calling to wish me a Happy Birthday. He wasn't on vacation. I finally said "I'll see you soon, sunshine."

Signs- I ask for some kind of sign when I'm feeling weak or when I'm not sure what to do & I wish I had my sunshine to talk to. One morning I woke to 3 quarters on the floor. 1998, 2003, 2005. The year we met, the year we said we'd love each other forever & the year forever turned into an eternity.

There is no rhyme or reason for this. I haven't been able to sleep & I've had some pretty wild dreams. He walked into my dreams last night & I woke in a dazed  & confused place. My heart aches, but I know he's in a better place & we'll meet again. 

I try to live my life a better person because of him. He was so kind & perfect. I will never be able to live up to the person he grew to be, but I will try to make him proud of who I become. 

I love meeting new people & love when people remind me of Dale. I don't like being told how to live my life, I don't even know how to live it. I'm doing this one day at time, one lesson at a time. I'm young enough to know my dreams have a lifetime to come true & I'm old enough to know not to settle for anything less than I deserve. 

I hate cocky people, although they make me laugh. I hate people who think they're too good & better than everyone. I'm a mess most days, but I'm living. I say what I feel & act on my emotions. Don't tear down the truth because your jealous or it hurts. Blaze your own path & see where your emotions take you.

Love the life you live.

WellBALANCED GOODlife

The Facts

- December I weighed 128lbs

- Two years ago 97lbs

- Today 112lbs

Since I started working at a local ski resort in December for extra winter cash I've been getting back to my fit old self.

I've started working out 4-5 days per week, for at least 30 minutes. I had a gym membership last year & went 5 days a week, but ate more than I worked out (the reason I got out of shape)

It's funny how having a gym membership can get you out of shape.

I started weighing myself just after Christmas & couldn't believe my eyes. I didn't feel healthy to begin with, but seeing how much weight I actually gained since 2005 was scary. I thought counting calories & sticking to a normal routine would be ideal. Actually not so much...

I used to eat all organic foods & be very healthy, but then I started dating a workout-aholic NM who use to tell me my 90lb body was fat & I was overweight. I started working out excessively & barely eating. What I know now is that I did have an eating disorder. I climbed that battle & it took a few years to get through it, but I did & thats when I let myself go.

I now have a structured eating plan. I gorge myself with fruits & veggies. I've cut soda right out of my diet & have cut back on my sweet tooth intake. Two weeks into the soda & sweet cut I don't miss it & I feel 85% healthier.

I love food too much now to ever go back to my old habits of anorexia, but I refuse to gorge myself with more food than I need. China buffet every other day no more!

I've been reading a lot of books on diet & exercise & starting tomorrow I'm going to follow the POWER 12 guidelines from the Abs Diet for Women. The power 12 are food that are recommended eating daily.

1. Almonds

2. Beans & Legumes

3. Spinach & greens

4. Low fat dairy products

5. Oatmeal

6. Eggs (but the whites an egg yolk is 95 calories & the white is only 15!)

7. Lean meat (turkey, chicken & fish)

8. Peanut butter

9. Whole grain breads & cereals

10. Soy protein powder

11. Olive Oil to cook with instead of butter

12. Berries

My plain is to eat 5-6 meals per day a few hours apart & keep track of my intake. Drink plenty of water & tea & steer clear of caffeine. Continue workout at least 30 minutes a day 4-5 days a week!!!

HERE I COME BIKINI!!!

The V-Day

Valentine's Day, what to make of it but another holiday to buy pointless cards & candy we already don't need. Call me rotten, call me what you will, but the big V-Day isn't so much for me. Don't get me wrong each year I get crafty & make my lovely boy friend a heart felt Valentine...

I just don't look forward to it because for the past 4 years he just seems to "forget" about it. I don't need silly flowers, or chocolate I don't even like, but a little homemade card or poem wouldn't hurt.

Valentine's Day just gives me a reminder that my birthday is a month away & another reminded about how the man I love most in my life (besides my dad) forgets about my birthday year after year...

The first year I clearly understood. We were only together for a couple months anyway. The second year I just shrugged it off as "maybe he just didn't remember." Then that third year of the birthday came & he "forgot" about it again. I'm not too sure if its because he's really not sure about our relationship, or if he just really wants to hurt me to get me to leave him.

I always do great things for his birthdays & its not like mines hard to remember. If you can remember to go out and get drunk on St. Patricks Day, then you already remembered it was my birthday.

Enough of the depressing he forgot another year story...maybe next year will be better & he still has my birthday to get right for the first time in 4 years.