"You're not fat!"

“You’re not fat!” They all always say. Who are ‘they’? Do ‘they’ really matter? I ask myself. In a room full of models I can feel like the biggest person in the room. It’s tough business to get into, and an even tougher business to be apart of.

This is what my mind set used to be towards my newly founded curves...

This is a miserable place in my life. I’m 119lbs. The heaviest I’ve ever been. I can barely stand to see myself in the mirror (some days). I find flaws from head to toe. I feel like I’m letting everyone down.

Yet I hear, “You are not fat!” “Who told you that you're fat?” I think, "should I answer this one?" I could answer this one. I could say my brother would always called me “bubble butt”, but it would be unfair to relate this. I had nicknames for him, and I know I'm better than that.  “Should I just say, I hate my flabby arms, thunder thighs, bubble butt and bulging stomach?”

So I mumble “no-one”


I can see them every time I stand on a scale, which is about five days a week. And my every flaw I see is not my only point of discontent. There is my stomach, pouring over my pants when I sit and my thighs, which scare me the most because I have to wear darker jeans, and stir away from leggings.

Then a doctor visit comes. I stand on the scale as the nurse asks, “Have you been working out a lot lately? You’ve lost a few pounds since last time?”  I shrug in disbelief and carry on asking how all I am. “You’re still 5’6”, but you need to gain weight.”

No matter if the nurse was right or wrong, or if I did really drop weight, I could never except it… I still felt fat, ugly, and out of shape.

Next stop on the agenda, the agency. These visits terrify me because I know I couldn't change my hairstyle, gain weight or dye my hair. I was under a contract that I had to follow. After two years you would think I’d be use to the visits. Practicing runway with the other models. Seeing how my acting skills were coming along, and making sure I was still a size 00.

Guess what? In October of 2008 my 5-year modeling contract was up. I was asked to resign for another five years. I knew how much money they made on me for each shoot I did. I also knew I could do it on my own.


And this is what I've come to...

The following January I cut my low back length hair up to my chin. I told the agency I would renew my contract if I could make more money, they declined my offer. I have since then went from a size 00 to a 0, and from 93lbs to 119lbs. I see myself in a better light. I am comfortable in the skin I’m in. It’s still tough to not feel fat or want to starve myself, but I LOVE food. I workout daily, well at least I try to. I’ve been getting more modeling paid gigs than ever, and most of all I feel healthy.

“You’re not fat!” I truly believe that today. 

11.22.10

Forever is a long time
I'm not going to lie 
We started in the right place at the wrong time
I really need some space this time

Together on the front line look me in the eye
Tell it to me straight
Are we going to work it out pack it in?
Guess this is the chance we decided to take

You're the only one who:
Gets me, Knows me, Feels me, Hurts me
You're the only one who's close enough to drive me crazy
Fustrate me, complicate me, make things harder than they need to be
The things that you do and the things that you say
Make me want to say

Everything is alright
We're going through a phase
We're moving too fast going too slow
Am I just afraid of mistakes


Keep it real now, dont make a sound
I want to see it in your eyes
Will we shake it up, or knock it all down?


Deep inside I know that we'll survive
Through the ups and downs 
I do just want to be with you


Just you- 

Annoyances

There are a lot of annoyances out there & they’re different for all people. This week is still young & every annoyance possible as shined itself to me the past two days. I don’t think it just hit out of the blue, it was building up inside me; subconsciously.

Last week my boy friends mother was bitching about never having enough room in the freezer for new food. So as I look through her freezer I see tons of meats that have expirations of 2008 & 2009. That’s a huge red flag to throw it out! If you didn’t eat it when it was good & you’re still not eating it now let it go. WTF!? I took the liberty of tossing the expired food & the next day as soon as a woke up she was there screaming at me for throwing out her food. I said sorry. Although I’ll admit I’m not sorry I did it & a lot of the food was mine anyway that was freezer burned. She told me to never touch any of her things again & told my boy friend to tell me the same.  If that’s the way you want it, I’m cool with it. Just don’t come over & play my WII & stop eating my fresh food! No bigs, I was over it & then she had to come and apologize. I can still tell she’s pissed at me & can’t even look at me straight.

Next down the line of annoyances, the price of butter. I bought four sticks of butter from the local supermarket for $1.19. I put them in the fridge & the next day my boy friends mother gets butter. Bitching she paid $1.99 for her four sticks she asked me what I paid for mine. I told her & right away “That’s impossible. I’ve only ever got butter for $1.99 & at Tops & Wegmans its 3-4$. First off its butter! Second, do you really think I care that much about it? Third, don’t tell me I couldn’t have purchased my butter for a cheaper price than you, because obviously I did.

Goodwill items. I’ve been in the thinning out kind of mood the past few weeks & have been getting rid of everything I don’t wear anymore, or so I thought. Every time I get a bag good and full for goodwill my boy friends mother digs through & takes my ratty, holy, stained & out of style clothes for her collection. It’s not a big deal if someone offers you their clothing & you don’t really have anything, but she has rooms full of clothes. She can’t get rid of any of them & then has the nerve to take clothes I never wanted to see again! I call that a big issue, pack rat.

Just a few other annoyances:

Chewing loud

Hard toothpaste in the sink

Dirty shower

Garbage not in a real garbage can

Random things displayed just to say you have it

Un-rinsed dishes

Significant Moments

You know it's been said that we just don't recognize the significant moments of our lives while they are happening. We grow complacent with ideas, or things or people and we take them for granted and it's usually not until that thing is about to be taken away from you that you've realized how wrong you've been that you realized how much you need it, how much you love it.

Last night I was at my moms & she pulled out this book of baby photos. I recognized the book & already knew there were not photos of me in it. I’ve only seen a few baby pictures of myself in my life. Convinced that there weren’t any of me I kept saying “Where are mine? You don’t have any one me?” My Aunt Michelle said “It’s because you’re second born.” I was irritated & upset.

Then my mom came out with a file folder of old photos. There were my dads Florida pictures & some of my mom as a kid. Then before I knew it a handful of me! I’d never seen them before & was shocked at how cute I’ve always been. Just kidding, but I do look the same. Light blonde hair & bright blue/green eyes. I’ve since then taken the file folder to my house so I can make copies of the photos & cherish them.

I might not remember everything about every photo taken, but I do realize now that I needed those photos. I needed to see them & see proof that I was cared about enough to have my own stash like my brother. They may not have been placed into a photo album, but I had my own file folder full of them. It was enough to make me feel relief.

"They"

It’s only when you’re tested that you truly discover who you are & it’s only when you’re tested you discover who you can be. The person you want to be does exist, somewhere on the other side of hard work & faith.

I get the feeling I’m being tested every day. From God, my family, friends & people I don’t even know. It’s like everyone wants to see how much it takes to break me or make me give into to what ‘they’ believe is right. Who are ‘they’ anyway?

I know there’s a time when every life goes off course & you have to choose directions. Do you fight to stay on the path of everyone telling you who you should be? Or do you create your own label? Do you embrace a new path created with the life you want to live?

I ask myself these questions every day, but morning I rise & move forward, when I could just give up.

Some days I’ll push onto something better. Some feel just like all the rest. I don’t mind facing my fears & creating my dreams alone, but having the courage to let someone in to make life merrier makes my new path feel like home.