Remember me as a time of day

Our lives are a series of images that pass us by like towns on highways, but sometimes moments stun us as they happen & we know that moment is more than just a fleeting image. We know it will live on forever.

I’ve been having wacky dreams lately that keep up at night thinking. Writing in my head more than anything & tonight I thought I’d share.

This year started with a big bang. New Years with good friends & new ones followed by an awesome birthday surprise to Vegas; the best birthday right? Bad things follow me, so the idea of almost a perfect start to the year is silly. My house was robbed. A bum was living there for the six days I was gone. He stole & sold my jewelry. Also my brand new snowboard with all the gear. He sold it all for $40. Ask me how my year went from then on out I dare you.

I’ve been called a lot of things in my life & have had the opportunity of feeling completely rejected in high school. Part, well most of it was probably my fault. No it was my fault. I’m a quiet person naturally. I rather keep to myself than bitch about what everyone else is doing. Most people bitch about it because they’re the ones not doing it. Who the fuck cares?

I was told that I abandoned my family over three years ago now. At first I felt bad, then sad & then I stopped thinking of it. Now I laugh & realize I didn’t. I was told that it was my entire fault for my brother moving away & for growing up too fast. I didn’t leave my family and I refuse to take that responsibility.

If for one day my father could just think of any one else but him & pick up the phone to call & say ‘hello’ I’m sure it’d be a beautiful day, but instead when I call all I get is “You haven’t called in awhile. What do you need?” Maybe if he asked me about how I am, or about my boy friend that I love so dearly. If he just tried a little to get inside of my head & let me in his.

I would do anything for him, but I refuse to change who I am as a person just because he isn’t proud of who I am today. Who the fuck cares if I don’t know who or what I want to be right now or if I change my mind a million times before I find it. I’m a woman; I’m the baby girl who is still finding her peace in the world. I don’t want to be what I did when I was 5, 10 or 15 years old. I want to be heard without screaming & constant arguing. I want to be remembered as a time of day.

Am I someone who is as dark as dawn? Or someone who’s smile shines like the sun at noon? Do I glow like the moon? What is my time of day?

They say when you leave this place all of the great things you did remain. So until I’m ready to leave, I’ll carry my camera.