"You're not fat!"

“You’re not fat!” They all always say. Who are ‘they’? Do ‘they’ really matter? I ask myself. In a room full of models I can feel like the biggest person in the room. It’s tough business to get into, and an even tougher business to be apart of.

This is what my mind set used to be towards my newly founded curves...

This is a miserable place in my life. I’m 119lbs. The heaviest I’ve ever been. I can barely stand to see myself in the mirror (some days). I find flaws from head to toe. I feel like I’m letting everyone down.

Yet I hear, “You are not fat!” “Who told you that you're fat?” I think, "should I answer this one?" I could answer this one. I could say my brother would always called me “bubble butt”, but it would be unfair to relate this. I had nicknames for him, and I know I'm better than that.  “Should I just say, I hate my flabby arms, thunder thighs, bubble butt and bulging stomach?”

So I mumble “no-one”


I can see them every time I stand on a scale, which is about five days a week. And my every flaw I see is not my only point of discontent. There is my stomach, pouring over my pants when I sit and my thighs, which scare me the most because I have to wear darker jeans, and stir away from leggings.

Then a doctor visit comes. I stand on the scale as the nurse asks, “Have you been working out a lot lately? You’ve lost a few pounds since last time?”  I shrug in disbelief and carry on asking how all I am. “You’re still 5’6”, but you need to gain weight.”

No matter if the nurse was right or wrong, or if I did really drop weight, I could never except it… I still felt fat, ugly, and out of shape.

Next stop on the agenda, the agency. These visits terrify me because I know I couldn't change my hairstyle, gain weight or dye my hair. I was under a contract that I had to follow. After two years you would think I’d be use to the visits. Practicing runway with the other models. Seeing how my acting skills were coming along, and making sure I was still a size 00.

Guess what? In October of 2008 my 5-year modeling contract was up. I was asked to resign for another five years. I knew how much money they made on me for each shoot I did. I also knew I could do it on my own.


And this is what I've come to...

The following January I cut my low back length hair up to my chin. I told the agency I would renew my contract if I could make more money, they declined my offer. I have since then went from a size 00 to a 0, and from 93lbs to 119lbs. I see myself in a better light. I am comfortable in the skin I’m in. It’s still tough to not feel fat or want to starve myself, but I LOVE food. I workout daily, well at least I try to. I’ve been getting more modeling paid gigs than ever, and most of all I feel healthy.

“You’re not fat!” I truly believe that today. 

11.22.10

Forever is a long time
I'm not going to lie 
We started in the right place at the wrong time
I really need some space this time

Together on the front line look me in the eye
Tell it to me straight
Are we going to work it out pack it in?
Guess this is the chance we decided to take

You're the only one who:
Gets me, Knows me, Feels me, Hurts me
You're the only one who's close enough to drive me crazy
Fustrate me, complicate me, make things harder than they need to be
The things that you do and the things that you say
Make me want to say

Everything is alright
We're going through a phase
We're moving too fast going too slow
Am I just afraid of mistakes


Keep it real now, dont make a sound
I want to see it in your eyes
Will we shake it up, or knock it all down?


Deep inside I know that we'll survive
Through the ups and downs 
I do just want to be with you


Just you- 

Annoyances

There are a lot of annoyances out there & they’re different for all people. This week is still young & every annoyance possible as shined itself to me the past two days. I don’t think it just hit out of the blue, it was building up inside me; subconsciously.

Last week my boy friends mother was bitching about never having enough room in the freezer for new food. So as I look through her freezer I see tons of meats that have expirations of 2008 & 2009. That’s a huge red flag to throw it out! If you didn’t eat it when it was good & you’re still not eating it now let it go. WTF!? I took the liberty of tossing the expired food & the next day as soon as a woke up she was there screaming at me for throwing out her food. I said sorry. Although I’ll admit I’m not sorry I did it & a lot of the food was mine anyway that was freezer burned. She told me to never touch any of her things again & told my boy friend to tell me the same.  If that’s the way you want it, I’m cool with it. Just don’t come over & play my WII & stop eating my fresh food! No bigs, I was over it & then she had to come and apologize. I can still tell she’s pissed at me & can’t even look at me straight.

Next down the line of annoyances, the price of butter. I bought four sticks of butter from the local supermarket for $1.19. I put them in the fridge & the next day my boy friends mother gets butter. Bitching she paid $1.99 for her four sticks she asked me what I paid for mine. I told her & right away “That’s impossible. I’ve only ever got butter for $1.99 & at Tops & Wegmans its 3-4$. First off its butter! Second, do you really think I care that much about it? Third, don’t tell me I couldn’t have purchased my butter for a cheaper price than you, because obviously I did.

Goodwill items. I’ve been in the thinning out kind of mood the past few weeks & have been getting rid of everything I don’t wear anymore, or so I thought. Every time I get a bag good and full for goodwill my boy friends mother digs through & takes my ratty, holy, stained & out of style clothes for her collection. It’s not a big deal if someone offers you their clothing & you don’t really have anything, but she has rooms full of clothes. She can’t get rid of any of them & then has the nerve to take clothes I never wanted to see again! I call that a big issue, pack rat.

Just a few other annoyances:

Chewing loud

Hard toothpaste in the sink

Dirty shower

Garbage not in a real garbage can

Random things displayed just to say you have it

Un-rinsed dishes

Significant Moments

You know it's been said that we just don't recognize the significant moments of our lives while they are happening. We grow complacent with ideas, or things or people and we take them for granted and it's usually not until that thing is about to be taken away from you that you've realized how wrong you've been that you realized how much you need it, how much you love it.

Last night I was at my moms & she pulled out this book of baby photos. I recognized the book & already knew there were not photos of me in it. I’ve only seen a few baby pictures of myself in my life. Convinced that there weren’t any of me I kept saying “Where are mine? You don’t have any one me?” My Aunt Michelle said “It’s because you’re second born.” I was irritated & upset.

Then my mom came out with a file folder of old photos. There were my dads Florida pictures & some of my mom as a kid. Then before I knew it a handful of me! I’d never seen them before & was shocked at how cute I’ve always been. Just kidding, but I do look the same. Light blonde hair & bright blue/green eyes. I’ve since then taken the file folder to my house so I can make copies of the photos & cherish them.

I might not remember everything about every photo taken, but I do realize now that I needed those photos. I needed to see them & see proof that I was cared about enough to have my own stash like my brother. They may not have been placed into a photo album, but I had my own file folder full of them. It was enough to make me feel relief.

"They"

It’s only when you’re tested that you truly discover who you are & it’s only when you’re tested you discover who you can be. The person you want to be does exist, somewhere on the other side of hard work & faith.

I get the feeling I’m being tested every day. From God, my family, friends & people I don’t even know. It’s like everyone wants to see how much it takes to break me or make me give into to what ‘they’ believe is right. Who are ‘they’ anyway?

I know there’s a time when every life goes off course & you have to choose directions. Do you fight to stay on the path of everyone telling you who you should be? Or do you create your own label? Do you embrace a new path created with the life you want to live?

I ask myself these questions every day, but morning I rise & move forward, when I could just give up.

Some days I’ll push onto something better. Some feel just like all the rest. I don’t mind facing my fears & creating my dreams alone, but having the courage to let someone in to make life merrier makes my new path feel like home.

Remember me as a time of day

Our lives are a series of images that pass us by like towns on highways, but sometimes moments stun us as they happen & we know that moment is more than just a fleeting image. We know it will live on forever.

I’ve been having wacky dreams lately that keep up at night thinking. Writing in my head more than anything & tonight I thought I’d share.

This year started with a big bang. New Years with good friends & new ones followed by an awesome birthday surprise to Vegas; the best birthday right? Bad things follow me, so the idea of almost a perfect start to the year is silly. My house was robbed. A bum was living there for the six days I was gone. He stole & sold my jewelry. Also my brand new snowboard with all the gear. He sold it all for $40. Ask me how my year went from then on out I dare you.

I’ve been called a lot of things in my life & have had the opportunity of feeling completely rejected in high school. Part, well most of it was probably my fault. No it was my fault. I’m a quiet person naturally. I rather keep to myself than bitch about what everyone else is doing. Most people bitch about it because they’re the ones not doing it. Who the fuck cares?

I was told that I abandoned my family over three years ago now. At first I felt bad, then sad & then I stopped thinking of it. Now I laugh & realize I didn’t. I was told that it was my entire fault for my brother moving away & for growing up too fast. I didn’t leave my family and I refuse to take that responsibility.

If for one day my father could just think of any one else but him & pick up the phone to call & say ‘hello’ I’m sure it’d be a beautiful day, but instead when I call all I get is “You haven’t called in awhile. What do you need?” Maybe if he asked me about how I am, or about my boy friend that I love so dearly. If he just tried a little to get inside of my head & let me in his.

I would do anything for him, but I refuse to change who I am as a person just because he isn’t proud of who I am today. Who the fuck cares if I don’t know who or what I want to be right now or if I change my mind a million times before I find it. I’m a woman; I’m the baby girl who is still finding her peace in the world. I don’t want to be what I did when I was 5, 10 or 15 years old. I want to be heard without screaming & constant arguing. I want to be remembered as a time of day.

Am I someone who is as dark as dawn? Or someone who’s smile shines like the sun at noon? Do I glow like the moon? What is my time of day?

They say when you leave this place all of the great things you did remain. So until I’m ready to leave, I’ll carry my camera. 

new site

www.wix.com/ladyfrancis/AshleyNicole

Makeup L0V3

SmashBox, Zomiah Cosmetics, MAC, TooFaced, Clinique, Urban Decay,

Estee Lauder, Christian Dior, Armani, Loreal, Chanel, Maybelline.

All of these are top makeup brands if you know anything about makeup. They have the best teams who put the chemicals or lack of them together. They moisturize, last long & look great. They are all also very expensive & most would say over priced. I would have said that too about 5 years ago before I had any clue about great makeup products.

Since I've been modeling I've had my share of makeup artist working on me. It is a true luxury & I would never take it for granted. I am truly blessed. Some makeup artists go the cheaper route and use cheap makeup. Honestly it does show. When my face instantly breaks out because an artist decided to skimp on nice foundations, or when I'm under hot lights & the makeup starts to run.

I think I've fallen in LOVE with makeup artist Kandee Johnson. You can check out here blog: http://www.kandeethemakeupartist.blogspot.com/

She not only does an amazing job on every thing different makeup techniques to new hair dos, but teaches you an effective, slow, understandable way of doing it. Everything you learn in beauty school is great, but she teaches some things you wouldn't know otherwise. I can just sit and watch he YouTube videos all day, everyday. 

I've also fell in LOVE with Urban Decay makeup products. They not only last forever & clean off well, but they are so bright & light to wear. A little bit really does go a long way with Urban Decay. Their eye shadows are unique in color & last all day. I can do my makeup in the morning & by 7 it still looks fresh. 

In conclusion, I've decided to do makeup on the side for local models who can afford to pay a makeup artist a load of money. I figured I would do it pretty inexpensively & let others enjoy the luxury of having someone else do their makeup.

Believe in true love

My life is far from complete & theres a lot I'd like to accomplish in my lifetime. I've realized all my fears aren't really relevant fears & noticed my list of fears has become much smaller. Last night I asked Jon what his one major fear was. He said he couldn't think of one & asked me mine. 

I used to get bad anxiety & still do at times, but when he asked me that the only thing that came to my mind as a fear is that I don't want to die before my children are old enough to understand all I've done for them. I want to see them grow into beautiful adults. See them as they fall & get back up to try it all over again. I don't want to miss my children's lives. 

I use to have a fear of love, but not anymore. I believe in true love & that love conquers all. I believe in love at first sight & that it is possible to find that person that love you just as much back. Someone that wants to make every dream of theirs & yours come true together. Love, makes everything easier. I believe when you end up with someone it'll feel like you've known them for years before. 

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun & I say it's ALL RIGHT <3

LOVE Love love is all you need.

Healthy eating: An individual choice or government responsibility?

People think that the U.S. government is this huge powerful group of people, why? Because everyone is use to all the rules and regulations created by the government since the 18th century. Just because the government can tax goods, tell people how fast to drive and that drugs are illegal doesn't mean they can tell you how to eat.  Eating healthy is an individual choice. Sure, the United States houses most of the obese humans, but is it really the government's fault?

Well in a way it is. You have the choice of what you put in your body, but with all these new subjects being taught at schools nationwide the government should add the subject of eating healthy and having a healthy lifestyle. There are health classes taught in schools around the nation, but they need to focus less on sex and drugs and more toward healthy food choice.

I know there are those of you reading this thinking, "what about the people out of high school already? " I think the government should come up with materials for the public to encourage smart eating choices. Doctor's offices already provide this information to the public, but not everyone goes to the doctor or reads the materials in the offices to know about healthy eating choices. If the government came out with more information about eating healthy, then maybe more people would treat it as a law, even when it's not.

Even if the government did step in to help promote healthy eating, the choice is still up to individuals. You have the right to consume whatever you want, but most people still know the consequences of their eating habits. There are exceptions though, such as a child. They have their rights to say yes' or no' I don't want/like this to whomever their caretaker is, but when it comes down to it, that child will eat what is given to them just because it's food and they are hungry. Children are smart enough to know that if they want to eat they have to eat what's given to them. 5-year-olds don’t have the power to go out and purchase their own food. The child's caretaker is responsible to help promote healthy eating for them. And if the caretaker cannot practice a healthy diet, how is the child going to?

Personally, I think when people talk about what is right or wrong for how a caretaker cares for a person they ask way too many questions. Like, "Why does the caretaker give the child this or that? How do caretakers let them eat this or that? Who made that child overweight? They should be accountable for their actions on their children." That is just asking too many questions which lead to unreasonable answers in an individual's head. If you think that it is an individual's right to choose what they eat, why ask such questions? You are just contemplating your entire argument.

The government does, however, have control over the food stamp program, which allows citizens to purchase any type of food. And for sake of my argument that it is an individual's right to choose what they consume, it wouldn't be relevant to vent on this topic. However, if the government were giving food stamps to for the sake of providing nutrition, you'd think they would want it to be healthy food, which they can change to promote a healthy lifestyle for citizens.

I believe the government doesn't have the right to be held responsible for an individual's well-being, because if you 

look at all the crime and drugs still on the streets today, even with government enforcement, obviously it just goes 

right on past citizens' heads. Plus most of the time people think that the government is wrong with their actions. So 

putting the blame on a government for an individual's food choice would be a joke.

It’s a tangled web we weave

It’s a tangled web we weave this life.

Every moment is filled with emotions unreal.

Well it’s fall again; colors filling up the trees.

Another year has come and gone.

I wasn’t asking to be anyone, and here I am someone.

I’ve never been one for running from emotions

Now here they are colliding in at once.

Let me feel, feel those emotions so real.

Let me fall, I don’t care if I crash into a brick wall.

I’m always headed down the path of a breakdown.

If I cry just a little, die just a little, at least I’ll know I lived.

I’ve become too good at being invincible

I’m an expert at play it safe and keep it cool.

I swear this isn’t who I’m meant to be

I refuse to let my life roll all over me.

The small town eats me alive inside

I have to pack my things and go where the railroad leads me.

The whistle keeps blowing and the train keeps on rolling.

The air is thick on the concrete isle.

Where will I be the day after tomorrow?

Grasp me please in your arms

Whisk me away

That soft stare creates moments unreal

Baby take me away, away, away from here.

Through my veins

If I don’t live to see tomorrow, I'd know all the feelings that were rushing through your spine as your farewell came.

Five years have come and gone. Goodbye my first true love.

I see your sun shinning down today. I know everything is okay.

Goodbye long years of laughter. I’d give just to hear you say ‘I love you’ one last time.

I can picture your smile in my mind as the tears build up on my face. Where are you now? 

You’re swimming through my veins so innocently. I miss those long talks that seemed to last a lifetime.

Some days I wouldn’t make it through if it wasn’t for you.

Goodbye my favorite. Goodbye love. Goodnight breakfast at night.

I know you watch me from above. I can feel you just want the best of me. These crazy days corrupt my gentle soul.

I see your face written in the clouds. I feel your warmth all around me. I’ll forever remember that day you called just to say ‘I love you’ and that I was your angel here on earth.

The days I feel like giving up, I think of everything you called me, every moment you saved me. Where are you now? I swear I feel you swimming through every emotion.

I tremble screaming out your name. Can you hear me?

You've continued to inspire me more each day. I will never settle for anything less than I deserve. You've given me something so wonderful to hold onto forever.

5.20.05*

Best Friends

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I have lots of moments I know that will live on forever, as everyone does. However, I remember this one time my best friend at that point in my life had a birthday party. We were so young, yet grown up enough to want to watch a scary movie. There were probably about 7 or 8 of us cuddled up under her uniquely awesome bed her dad made for her, screaming, crying, hiding, laughing and just being young girls. We went to the bathroom in pairs because her house had a bathroom mirror that look like the one in the movie.

Well that movie was Candy man! I recently watched it again with my nephew who is 13, and when I saw his eyes light up and close tightly I could only recall how I felt the first time I saw it. I told him he didn’t have to finish watching, nearly for my own safety for fear of the candy man. It’s funny how watching a scary movie could unmask an old ‘image’ of life.

I get emotional some days thinking about how rich with love my life growing up was. I often wonder why best friends grow apart; as I ponder that thought I know I have no one but myself to blame. Always to caught up in boys and cheer practices. I let life pass by me and as I grow and miss my friends and appreciate their characters. People aren’t as kind as they use to be and great girl friends are hard to come by.

You cannot run away from a weakness; you must sometimes fight it out or perish, and if that be so, why not now? I since then decided to become brave and face the beautiful people I’ve missed dearly. 

We may not be best friends anymore and we may not have, as much in common as we did then, but that doesn’t mean we cant still be friends. 

Life-altering events

Have you ever wondered how long it takes to change your life? What measures the time to make it life changing? Is it high school or collage? How about testing our body by running a marathon? Does it consist of keeping a journal? Can your life change in a matter of a day, week, month or even years? What is a valid life-changing event?

I think about my life day to day and how it seems like everyone is always in a hurry to grow up, get head of the game, and travel the world. But really, who are we kidding, when you’re young an hour can change your life.

Major life changing invents of my life as a young adult happened in 2008. The first was finally standing up for myself and walking way from my home with my mother and father. There comes a point in your life when you decide enough is enough and mine came in June. I had enough of the ‘you better do this and that’. The ‘you’re not good enough, smart enough, grown up enough.’ I moved in with a good friend of mine and it was great. I was making money, finishing school and finally at peace.

July 2008 I was in a car accident. Waiting at a red light with a green arrow to go and LG/JG stuck and hit me with their s10 truck. I went to the ER with my friend Steffie, who was in the car with me to get check out. We both have back problems now, but cannot afford to fix them. The LG/JG family took me to court to say I was at fault and tried to sue me for 100K. Ridiculous right? The judge thought so too and I won the case. Last week I get a summons for court, the LG/JG family is suing me again for the same thing! In shock I took the information to my lawyer and he took care of it. They’re getting a settlement from the insurance company!!! Yes, I’m still currently paralyzed from that thought. The G family makes me want to vomit. This changes my life because I am now learning of the scum in this world other than creepy ‘photographers.’

Scum in the world of photographers...

It started with a shoot for a radio station & ended with the police calling my work, family & friends. Recently I posted a warning to all models on FACEBOOK not to work with this photographer. One model got extremely frisky and claimed it was bullshit & cried to the photographer & got him to send this message:

Ashley requested a shoot for a 97Rock gallery. Ashley was photographed on 4/15/09. Her boyfriend accompanied her to the shoot. The shoot ended at approximately 10 p.m. A shoot was scheduled for the following morning and for the first and only time my camera equipment was left in the studio overnight in preparation for that morning shoot. Ashley, her boyfriend and myself left the studio together. The following morning it was discovered that the studio had been robbed and approximately $35,000 in camera gear had been stolen. The Buffalo police were immediately notified. They requested a list of all persons that had knowledge of the camera gear or that had access to that floor of the building. The list included Ashley and her boyfriend as well as the building landlord and others. The police as part of their investigation questioned several people including Ashley and her boyfriend. The police, solely at their discretion, decided who to question. I filed charges against Ashley and her boyfriend. There were no court proceedings. To my knowledge the police never identified the person(s) responsible for the theft and no arrests were ever made. I had no insurance on the equipment and had to purchase replacement equipment. Upon leaving the studio I had taken the memory cards with me so that I could review the photos and send some to 97Rock, therefore, the memory cards were not at the studio at the time of the theft. I emailed seven photos to Jickster from 97Rock at 12:32 a.m. that night. It wasn't until the next morning the theft was discovered. 97Rock posted these photos. Photos were never sold or otherwise provided by me to any other parties. Ashley, your comments are completely untrue and defamatory. Please remove them at once.

Regards,

Bxxxx Gxxxxx

So if this is the truth, Bxxxx, why haven't you even thought about returning my phone calls or apologizing. How about the release that never existed & the statements on the police report stating all my photos were missing? How come when I left a message stating I was coming to your studio to speak with you I got there & the building land lord stated you just left? If you have nothing to hide from you wouldn't keep running from something that happened APRIL 18th 2009! (yeah, you also have the wrong date.)

Courage to face it all

Sometimes it's easy to feel like you're the only one in the world who's struggling, who's frustrated, or unsatisfied at barely getting by. But, that feeling is a lie and if you just hold on; just find the courage to face it all for another day, someone or something will find the way and make it all okay. Because we all need a little help sometimes, someone to help us hear the music in the world. To remind us that it won’t always be this way. That someone is out there, and that someone will find you.

Lyrics & Music

A theory I've come to...


There are two types of people in the world. Lyric people & music people. The lyric people tend to be analytical. They want to know the meaning of a song. They buy a CD & take the insert out just to read & know the lyrics to a tee. Then there's the music people. The ones who could care less about the lyrics of a song & love it just as long as it carries a great beat & you can dance to it. Some days I think it would be easier to be a music girl rather than a lyric girl. Its easier just get in your undies and dance around your room. 

The truth speaks in silence

“We don’t see the things the way they are. We see things the way WE are.”

- Talmund

People are going to disappoint you, I understand that. I expect it most days, but what happens when you wake up and realize you're the disappointment?

I've pondered the thought of being selfish and speaking every emotion & thought that crosses my head to get him to say. Then I realized my mouth was moving & he said "Don't you want me to succeed and be someone?" 

This statement plays in my head like a record. How could I be so selfish? I shouldn't hold him back from something even knowing its not his passion, dream & the fact is only reason for doing it is the money? When you're let down in life you expect it. He's always been there for me and my dreams & sure he's let me down & made a lot of mistakes my dream man wouldn't have.

The quote at the top of the page 'We don't see the things the way they are. We see things the way WE are.' I've realized that more as I grow. The way I am & the way i think is different from the way he is & thinks.  So our opinions on the way things are, are mis-matched puzzle pieces. I know he'll do great. I know I can handle the move on my own. It will be stressful, but it will be worth the end result of our happy ever after.

Craziness is like heaven

Dream by night fall; life carries on. Expect the unexpected; wonderful things do come. Don't live in the past for it doesn't matter today. You'll find everything you're looking for in moments when your world feels so empty and cold.

When I was young my dad always told me to dream as big as the moon. I did, and now that I am old enough to know better, yet young enough to dream even bigger. People still try to tear me down as the days turn new.

I have bigger plans for this world. So be ready to meet the wrath of Ashley Nicole Victoria. I am one person, but one person who has and will continue to take on anything and everything to make it up to all of those faces who will never be forgotten. My best friend wanted to be a doctor, it was his dream. He may never get to be his doctor, and I sure as hell will never be one, but my dreams are just as big as his one. Watch me world as I fall. Beacause I have and I will, but I will succeed so gloriously.

I meet people daily. It's a great thing, I love meeting people, and hope not to change them, but to move them in some way no other has.

...and my beat goes on...

The first thing written for him

Have you ever been so afraid to catch something you feel like you've been chasing your entire life? Lately I have.

 My biggest failures in life are caring too much and pushing people away as they get too close. Those can also the best part about me, well caring too much can be away. I'll keep pushing you away until you make me feel invincible standing next to you. You can ask me why all you want, but the truth is pain. I hate that feeling of an emotional rollercoaster, that feeling of being letdown, and I figure if I push people away before they get to close I'll never have to wonder what it's like to be letdown.

You have wonderful glass eyes. Very unique to the color, shape and piercing stare. I'm an eye kind of girl. It is very rare for me to say something nice about person's eyes unless I really feel they have magnificent eyes. And you share the best stories in your eyes.

 When you're not around I miss your lips, and everything attached to them. Lips so soft, true story; I've kissed many lips in my day, and I must say your lips are like an oasis of fresh almond milk creme. They also house your brilliant smile. It truly is to die for.

 You mean more to me than you may think, and I'm sorry if there is ever a moment of doubt. I don't dream to cast that upon you. If you really want me to speak the truth...the truth is you're warming up to me more, and my fear of getting to close is starting to subside. I've let you in this far, and I do a little more each day. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I do talk too much some days, or not enough others. You make me say and do things in this world I wouldn't normally. You bring out the good, bad, sad, ugly in me. I love that rush, that new feeling of happiness I've found. Don't take me for granted my wrath may be unbearable.

Thank you for believing in me, for giving me something to hold onto. I believe in your every dream. Your love, has already changed the world, and you are destined for greatness. Everyone in your path of life is more than lucky to have known such a beautiful face. I am one of the luckiest. I feel the sea is changing as I tell you I want all of who you are and dream to be.

June 14, 2008

I write. Its what I do.

She opens her eyes as they are glazed over.

She said her final goodbye.

Picking up the rolled twenty,

saying a few simple words of wisdom.

One line down, three to go,

She's out of control.

Losing all emotions.

Free to linger about,

for just this little while.

Little girl got game; little girl not sane.

Her hands tremble

She trippin; Alice is out of her wonderland.

Corrupting thoughts boggle her mind.

She's trapped about these four walls.

The chopping block begins again.

Another life will find its end; tonight.

Some days won't get better,

some dreams are limed inside a lost soul; forever.

Wonderland...

The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had...


Can you feel that sense of rush while you are awake? When you fall in your sleep and your whole body trembles down? That craziness that just gives you so much force you ache for more, but you know that it won't happen again until you are in the force field of dreamland. It's like that Alice in Wonderland effect where you are tumbling down a hole of madness and everything that once made sense loses its way to you. It's that feeling you get as if you left your body behind somewhere and you are invincible. Nothing could ever happen, because in your dreams you are dying, living; being someone you wouldn't even recognize in a mirror. 


I believe those moments; dreams are glimpses of a parallel universe so far out of reach that occasional dreams can only connect us. Because when you wake you have that daze and confused thought in your head, but you know that everything you felt while you were dreaming was real. Just because you think it doesn't mean someone else isn't. Everyone is too afraid to speak up. So I still believe the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had.

The Villanelle

Dimmed eyes in the heart of the fearful light

All these days I felt so limed

Corrupting every thought of beauty in your sight

Everything seemed so thoughtful that night

But yet there wasn't anything to fined

Dimmed eyes in the heart of the fearful light

I continue to walk though the night

As I walked by and watched them as they all cried

Some days still like the worst thing dreamt

I feel like I've drifted

Just thinking that you've died

Dimmed eyes in the heart of the fearful light

One day driving in a car will feel like flying a kite

You were laid to rest and derived away

Corrupting every thought of beauty in your sight

The greatness of everything so wonderers

Given always more than you had wished

No one ever minded

Corrupting every thought of beauty in your sight