Free yourself

"I believe everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself & sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." Marilyn Monroe-

A young inspiration still inspiriting to this day. Its funny, she's had a lot of amazing quotes in her time & most were far wiser than the time she lived. People are always fighting, digging to know more & the more people dig the less people like them. Theres some things in life that you're so proud of accomplishing. Learning to drive, graduating high school, graduating college & getting your first real job. & when people try to take that way from you because they don't believe, because they think they know it all it makes you realize that person will be like that forever & do you really want to be around when everything great that you're proud of is getting picked apart? What kind of life is that? 

Im proud of what i've learned & how far i've come in life. Im not proud of many decisions, but I made them. They changed me & i've learned. Example one, when I was 5 I had a choice of what sports I wanted to do it. I picked girly things, maybe because Im a girly, girl so what, but If i would have picked a sport like skiing or gymnastics I could have had a chance at being an Olympian. Who really knows. When I was 17 I had my choice of car. I of course wanted the SUV. My dad said why don't you pick something more economical. I didn't listen. I wasted more money on gas & repairs for that Stupid Useless Vehicle. Then when it came time for college...South Carolina or bust, it was a bust. Go to one of the best Journalism schools in NYS in the middle of nowhere or go to the State school that never gets anything right in the middle of the ghetto, obviously i was wrong again. Spent all this time taking art courses for a degree i eventually I beyond ashamed of. I didn't listen to what everyone was telling when they said it was a waste of time & money. The best part was getting my diploma in the mail 8months after I finished only because I was too cheap to pay a school $270 to file for it & walk across the stage. I should have listened to my dad again when he said to go into a field with more demand... & of course after that I quit my job- one of the best jobs i've ever had working for NYS... to work at a promising new company that just took my money & bled me dry. 

I met a handsome man. I loved him from the second I met him. 5years later I still love him. We've had our share of ups & downs. Mostly downs, lately. I moved away from my "comfort zone" to start fresh & move on from all the disappointing things I've done in my life. So i thought. I cant escape the fact that my life has been one train wreck after another. I use to pray for change, better things to come & keep my faith that my bad choices wouldn't keep following me, but they do. Its a hard to loose bad decisions when you keep finding more to make. Hopefully one day I'll get things right. Find my peace in this world & have a place that feels like home. 

I want to inspire & stop feeling this pain inside. I want to get past my guilt of letting everyone down around me & teach my children differently than i was taught. I want to continue to love & be love. This life is too short & grand to carry pain. 

Free-    

Will you?

What I wouldn't give to experiece just one more moment; feeling that incredible sensation of how he looked at me. I felt so alive.


I could end there & cry for a few hours dwelling on the past, but lately i've come to realization that life only happens once. If you dare to let it pass you, you're a fool.


Live free, happy & a sensational life. 


You don't have to live a life like you see in the movies, or what your piers are living. Just BE there in YOURS. Breathe, take it all in, RELAX & ENJOY. Experience the experiences. Embrace the differences in the world & welcome change. 


We all loose someone close to us at some point. Its bound to happen. 
Cry, be sad, be happy, remember, love, move on, live because you can. Think about how jealous they are watching you live & think about how they must feel when you let your fears get in the way of living. 


I'm far from an inspiration, but a lot inspires me in life. I march to the beat of my own drum. Do things a little out of order, but every day I learn, explore & conquer a fear. I've realized that theres more to loose worrying than if I actually live.


LOVE, love, love; it truly is all i need. That feeling of warmth & butterflies that fill your stomach. Oh, what a joy it is to be love & to love. I love all my friends, animals, their animals, nature & everything that surrounds me!! Whats not to love?!?!? I've been blessed with a healthy body to grace this earth with.


Bitterness eventually subsides & the heart break you feel when everything you thought you knew breaks your soul, passes in time.


Being brought into this world by two amazing people is something so incredible, selfless & beautiful. Someone cared, worked, provided & loved me. Gave me the chance to live, explore, create & build a life. I would be lost without them. & the pain that i feel when I think of them will eventually go away. They've missed out on so many grand moments in my life because of selfish acts. 


For so long I thought i was the selfish one & then on my last night in my "comfort zone" they abandoned me. I would take 40minute drives to just sit in a driveway. Call phones for hours just to never get an answer. Is it because they're not proud? Or because they don't want to see me do better than they did in life? 


I'll never know, but I wont be bitter. I'll face my fears, breathe & live!


Will you? 

Body rocking summers a coming

Social networking sites are taking over the world. Everything day to day revolves around them. You find out most news through them. Insanity! 

Now that the weathers getting warming & spring has finally sprung 85% of networking status' are about "getting into shape" "losing weight" "working out" "blah blah blah" holy hell peeps! Shouldn't you have been taking are of your body all along? & really if you're already a skinny minnie don't post about how you want to lose 10, 15+ more pounds & not expect people to write nasty comments on it. 

Some people live for drama & thrill of how it makes them feel tearing down people or getting people to rip on them, just because. I've never understood it & I don't think i ever will. 

Inspiration is a better way to get a healthy body & mind. This old friend of mine who i hadn't seen in years met me out & I got to hear all about her amazing adventures in life she'd been on & would go on the next year after. She was always an inspiring person with her artistic abilities, brains & just general well being. Those are the people you should always let inspire you, not the ones you see on magazine covers in the check out of the local grocery store. I will say I've always been proud of the person she was & who she become & that I do miss her dearly. You don't meet many people these days like her. 

Randomness of the day...complete. 

Life's all about moments of impact, and how they change our lives forever. ♥

"Life's all about moments of impact, and how they change our lives forever."  ♥


My world is impacted every day of my life. New events unfold to change my outlook on everything! When I say everything, I mean EVERYTHING! I worked for New York State Parks once at Niagara Falls State Park. Pretty rad; met some awesome people who changed my life. Working with them for 4 years was beyond a blessing. These people really felt like home. Then one summer everything changed.


A new girl started working with us & would come up with crazy tales, but thats not the best part about it. I never talked to the girl more than a "hey, how are you?" & she immediately started telling my friends of the past 4 years stories I "told" her about them.


Suddenly home didn't feel like home & suddenly the people I felt so blessed to know were hurtful. The one girl accused me of telling the new girl she was a lesbian to "watch out." First off I'd known "K" wasn't a lesbian, because we would always talk about boys & secondly, why would I tell some random girl such a random tale? From that day on "K" wanted nothing to do with because it was a new girls word against an old friend. I cried for awhile & then realized if "K" was going to believe some new random girl over me that was the kind of person she was & wanted to be. 


That same summer our bosses had got into a butt load of trouble for stealing! Tons  of money. They were caught after I had already quit for the season because I didn't even want to be around a bunch of girls who hated me just because. Months after our bosses were caught I was talking to an old park friend "S" who was telling me about how "K" was going around telling everyone I was apart of the stealing. My heart dropped & burst into tears. Why was this girl, no this WOMAN being such a too faced, nasty person. She wasn't the girl I thought she was when we'd met in 2004. 


Now its March 2012 & that summer, them moments of impact changed my life forever...


I don't let people in the same. I miss being a 12 year old girl playing with real friends because drama came along. & I still wonder what went on in "Ks" head to change her into the monster she became? She does great things for the WNY area with one of the best volunteer companies around. She just seemed like such a perfect friend. 


Ah, I've met some great people in my life & even if lies tore us apart, I'm blessed to have met them. 


Welcome to real life.

Goals I wrote down & set when I was in 9th grade

- Have a college degree by 24...check
-Live on my own by 19...check
-Move to a warmer climate...
-Follow my passion in modeling...check
-Be engaged by 23...
-Be married by 25...
-Have my first child by 28...
-Write daily...check
-Have a dog...check
-Be happy...check


I get frustrated most days knowing that short term dreams I wrote down aren't filled, but I know it will happen when its ready. I've been ready for 4 years now & I honestly don't think he'll ever be ready. If its not one thing its another, excuse after excuse. I tears me up inside because I feel like i'm wasting my time when I could be out there finding a man who does want to marry me & not keep luring me on. & I'm not trying to say I'd marry anyone, I know he's the one. I've known that from the first moment i met him. I just don't always feel like I'm his one. Like he's just waiting on something better to come around & we probably will never get married & by that time I'll be an older, less attractive & extremely bitter. I'm already starting to get bitter & angry with life. I see all of my friends getting engaged & married & they haven't even been with their partners half as long as we've been together. I use to be such a happy, fun loving, easy person. Now, just thinking about how were not moving forward in our relationship depresses me. I don't feel like doing anything anymore. I've never felt so sad. & he tells me that its not him its me & I'm sad & depressed because I'm not following what I want. Well obviously dumb ass! I do all the things i want to for myself to make me happy, but the other things I want are out of my control & makes me unhappy. & he just doesn't want to take credit for his lack of communication & love. So i bite my tongue again.

I just want to scream!
Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

John Steinbeck quotes can be inspiring

John Steinbeck wrote, “Change comes like a little wind that ruffles the curtains at dawn, & it comes like a stealthy perfume of wildflowers hidden in the grass.”

Your silence speaks louder than your hurtful words.

Your actions show your true feelings; sucker of beauty.

Who knows where these roads will take us, we’ve been twisting & winding for so long.

Can we straighten up & find an even pace?

Change, it happens the minute I turn away.

Change, change, change is a revolution everyday.

Let this darkness disappear in the wind.

Stranded on this path waiting for you.

Cinderella in her party dress,

Waiting on her prince with,

Something barrowed,

Something blue

Oh, where are you?

A wick, no wax

Unattended flame burning destruction

Lets not let this flame go out

I don’t want you to be my hero,

Just my prince in shinning armor

I cant be your heroine,

Don’t drowned in your lonely frustrations

Should-a

Could-a

Might-a

It’s you,

When all my dreams come true

It’s you,

I want next to me

My heart has reason that reason doesn’t know

Love, love, love

Your love is all I need

What happens next?

Theres always the dumb questions about what do you do when you feel like the person you love doesn't love you back, or when their ex lovers are constantly sending you messages about how they still talk & how you don't have a chance? Well,


Insecurity is defined as: the feeling of not being "good enough" to meet the challenge of a situation you face in life. A sense of helplessness in the face of problems, conflict and concerns.


Me, I've always been a little insecure. I have a high, soft voice that tends to steer people away. I'm not very tall or pretty. I enjoy learning, but still get called dumb on a daily basis. I can't get a job in the field I studied to save my life & everyone around me is always tearing me down. All my flaws go noticed as everything else unnoticed. I haven't felt like writing because i've been so depressed lately.


Today feels good to write. The sun is out & its not too cold. 


I received a nasty message from my boyfriends ex & never responded to it & today I received another one. Apparently they talk, a lot. It tears me up inside because my boyfriend of awhile now never wants to talk to me, hes always telling to to be quite or go away. He doesn't like to kiss me & when I stare at him he looks past me. If I try to hold him i get pushed off, or not held back. When I want to talk about it, he ignores it & I'm the crazy, uptight one.


I ache inside most days. It's not normal & I shouldn't be in this poor situation of someone who I'll never be "good enough" for, but I love him. Most people probably wouldn't see why if they knew the truth of how I feel every day I wake. I have the worst insomnia, because my thoughts keep me up & I dread sleeping & having nightmares.


I just want it all to be over, all of this pain to go away. Depression didn't start with my boyfriends hurtful words, or the things he doesn't do, but with the fact that I cant get a job, that I don't have any money, a car or a place to call home.


Home is when you feel comfortable & happy. Where the people around you make you feel good inside & out. When love blooms everywhere. Where is my home & when will I find it?


Nothing more,


Just breathe, let it all out & let go...